Fade into Darkness
by Lagunaa1
Summary: "You'll be safe, hold my hand just in case and we won't fade into darkness" If Carla had been there after Michelle lost Ruairi.


Always wondered how Michelle's still birth storyline would have been if Carla had been around so decided to write a little bit. Warnings for some sensitive issues including suicide.

"Steve! Wait up" a desperate plea sounded in the darkness, a figure emerging from a cab that had spun into the cobbled street.

Carla strode quickly towards the broken man who she had spotted exiting the bistro upon her arrival. She couldn't not notice the sadness in his eyes, the strain of the current situation etched on his face.

Suddenly realising there was no sign of her best friend she felt a familiar wave of panic settle in her stomach as she eyed Steve up further.

"Where is she? I'm so sorry I got here as quick as I could when I found out" the wave of panic became stronger as she watched the man before her slowly shake his head before explaining the fragile state his wife was in, and the way she had just reacted just 10 minutes earlier during their time at the bistro, he explained how she's stormed out in tears and he could tell from the older brunettes facial expressions that she was shocked he hadn't gone after her.

"She'll be back at home, in bed. She barely wants to leave the bedroom anymore unless she can be at the chapel of rest. She's in a bad way Carla, I don't even know what to do or say anymore..."

The brunette couldn't help but lean closer and place her hand gently on Steve's shoulder, tilting her head to watch as he spoke, the words laced with desperation and sadness, she squeezed gently as tears welled in her emerald eyes, causing a darker cast over them as she felt her own heart physically aching for her best friend and her husband. She wouldn't wish this pain on anyone and in a way it angered her that the world could be this cruel to someone as kind and loving as Michelle.

"How was it? Oh hi Carla!" Liz enquired from where she was sat down in the backroom, watching as Steve carelessly throws Michelle's coat and bag onto the nearest chair.

"Well you've seen the state of her" he sounds annoyed, he isn't annoyed, just desperate to find a way to help his grieving wife. Frowning in confusion as his mother mutters a confused "eh" and he begins to panic slightly, looking over at Carla to see the same panic stricken look adorning her features.

"She did come back didn't she?" He shuffles nervously dreading the response he could receive.

"No.. what happened?"

"She stormed out! Left her coat, her bag, everything!" He didn't mean to sound angry, but it suddenly dawned on him how he shouldn't have let her run off and no sooner had these thoughts started engulfing his mind, his mother said them out loud.

"You didn't go after her?!"

"She wouldn't flipping let me.. where is she then?" His eyes darted up to look at Carla who both simultaneously retrieved their mobiles from their pockets, with Carla being the first dial her number, beginning to pace up and down the room as she desperately held the phone to her ear. Her shaking hand obvious to everyone else. She let out a frustrated groan as a phone rang from the bag that Steve has brought back with them.

"Okay don't panic" Liz attempted to speak calmly but tears had already sprung in Carla's eyes, threatening to spill at any second as she wound a hand into her hair, pulling it back off her face.

"It's freezing out there" before Steve could finish his sentence, Carla had darted out of the room, panic filling her being as she slammed the door of the pub behind her, she leant back against the wall, suddenly feeling like she couldn't breathe, her mind in over drive worrying about the most important person in her life and where she could be right now. Michelle had always been so very strong, through the toughest of times and situations and it was something that Carla admired most about her, but after listening to Steve as he filled her in on just how badly the younger woman was dealing with it, she couldn't help but wonder if this was the last straw, that could actually tip her over the edge and from what she had heard, this was a very strong possibility.

Pushing herself off the wall, she rubbed at her tear stained face, stopping anymore tears from falling. Alls she knew right now was that she needed to find her best friend before it was too late.

It seemed like she had been walking for hours and the temperature seemed to be dropping by the minute as Carla strode purposely along the edge of the canal. Eyes desperate for even a glimpse of the younger woman it was gone 2am and all Carla could think of is how cold and alone Michelle could be. She should have come home the day it happened, she had waited to book her train wanting to give Michelle and Steve some time to themselves to come to terms with their loss but she knows now this was not the right decision. She knew how much this baby had meant to Michelle, the excited face time calls, all the texts, the pictures sent of the most delicate and beautiful baby grows, all the best of things she could afford to do this time around. Carla knew how it felt to lose a child. Have no control over the situation and no answers as to why, and therefore start to place the blame on yourself. She can't imagine having to go through the trauma of giving birth, knowing there is no opportunity to hear that baby cry, make the pain worth while. How could anyone ever deal with that sort of trauma.

The sound of her phone ringing is the only thing that brings her back to reality as she scrambles around in her fur coat pocket, her heart skipping a beat as she see's Steve's number flash up on the screen.

"Please say you've found her.." she closes her eyes in desperation, a pained whimper escaping the confines of her mouth as he tells her he hasn't. Explaining how everyone is out looking, Kate, Johnny, Jenny, Aidan, even Robert..

She stops talking as soon as her eyes catch sight of a figure at the top of the rail way bridge and she finds herself rooted to the spot as a sense of urgency fills her body at the scene before her. She could see the outline of Michelle's tiny frame, back hunched and her head tipped forward, she could see her shivering form sat terrifyingly close to the edge. Quickly ending the phone call she forces herself to move, running as quickly as her heeled boots would allow she began to make her way up to the top or the bridge, the adrenaline pumping through her veins as she somehow made it to the top. Now stood a few feet away from her best friend. At first it has been utter relief to find her but this was short lived. She could tell instantly just how unstable she is, and before she gets a chance to call out or speak, Michelle registers the presence of somehow behind her, suddenly feeling disappointed at having been found, she didn't know who has managed to seek her out but she doesn't care, she doesn't want anybody anymore, just her son..

Hearing the footsteps closing in and now only metres away from her, Michelle quickly throws her hand out to the side, a silent warning for the other person to back off and not come any closer.

Carla's heart breaks as she watches Michelle's trembling hand, silently watching, seeing her breath in the icy cold

January weather and at that moment she felt her own heart shatter.

"Stay away" her voice is weak, but somehow stern enough to know she means it and Carla struggles with how to react, the only thing she wants to do is get hold of this woman and hold her so tight to try and help take any of the pain away.

"Chelle you must be freezing... let me.. let me give you my coat" at the sound of her voice Carla can tell Michelle is shocked that it is her, maybe she had presumed it was Steve, but Carla could tell it being her that had found her was definitely having an effect as she heard the sobs coming from the younger woman where she had previously been staring straight down at the floor below her.

"Chelle I won't even pretend to know how you feel, I know how much he meant to you. You would have been the best mum, we all know that and he would have been the most loved little boy in the world, we were all so excited to meet him.. but we are all so worried about you, we just want you to come home"

"Why? What is there to come home for? I just want to be with my son" for the first time her voice cracks at the word "son" and Carla has to blink back the fresh tears clouding her vision.

"I can't bear to think of him.. all on his own..." Carla lets her speak, glad that she is talking even if the words are painful to hear.

"Billy asked me what I wanted to put in the coffin.. and all I could think of was me.. I should be there with him" She finally breaks, the tears falling from her tired, dull eyes and Carla can't help her own sobs anymore, desperate now to just get closer, she slowly takes a couple of small steps.

"I don't think I can live without him being alive"

"Oh Michelle, please just come here, please take my hand, I can't take away any of the pain you're feeling, but I can try to help. We can keep him alive in our hearts, we will never forget him, I promise you that.. please just take my hand"

The desperation was evident in Carla's voice, and she gasped as she felt a vice like grip on her hand as she registered it being Michelle's hand. With strength she didn't even know she possessed she quickly dragged the younger woman away from the edge, wrapping her up in a bone crushing hug, the sound of both their sobs getting louder. The sense of relief flooded through Carla as she rocked her best friend, pressing kisses against her chestnut hair as they stayed in their embrace.

Slowly, she pulled back from their embrace and Carla tentatively cupped Michelle's face, staring into her grief stricken orbs, with no words yet spoken she slowly moved closer, gently placing their foreheads together, both closing their eyes as time seemed to stand still and just for a moment all thoughts seemed to disappear.

"I promise I'll help you through this. I'm going no where ever again"


End file.
